Breathing in the change
For the last week and a half I’ve been trying to commit back to a regular meditation practice and have been sitting every night for 15 or so minutes clearing out space in my head. Some nights it’s felt easy and relieving while others it’s been startling to see how difficult it is to sit for just a short period of time. In the more difficult times, I become really uncomfortable, I get antsy and angry and frustrated and then under that I start to feel really panicked, and I can feel my arms and legs trembling. And then in my head I start drawing conclusions and judgements from the feeling, like I must not be ok, there must be something really wrong.
I don’t think it’s just me or the people around me who are experiencing a lot of change at the moment. Maybe that’s a glib thing to say because we are always changing. But right now it feels like we are all going through a deeper shift, a transition. Maybe it’s seasonal, astrological. Whatever the reason, when change comes it can be hard to get through. Even if we have been longing for things to shift in our lives, the actual transitions can be really hard. We are creatures of habit and we connect with and attach to what we are used to and what we know. Sometimes I think about Indi (our black Labrador) and how she deals when things change, like if her meal is 20 minutes late or she spends a day in a different environment to what she’s used to. And she gets scared.
Change seems to bring up a lot of feelings, which we don’t have control over and can be surprising. It can bring up grief and a sense of loss. It can make us become more defensive, more self focused, scared that we might need to protect ourselves more in this unchartered territory that we’re heading to and make sure we are ok and looked after. It can confront us again with the life choices that we have made and force us to choose all over again, to recommit to the people around you, to your job, to your choices. Of course you could feel excited and elated and full of hope of the promise of change too. When life is unclear or the future is uncertain it’s also so easy to go off on a long trip in your head. Thinking about a million possible permutations of outcomes and things to generally worry about and fret over – we all do it.
I remember someone saying to me once that it can take a while for your nervous system to catch up with changes that happen so you have to take better care during the transitional times. So hence the meditation and the need to slow down again. Because in all the transition, all the change, the one thing that doesn’t change is you. You’re still you, you still have your connection, your light. If you sit with your feelings and allow them to be there, you will realise that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are ok. You will see that the stuff that happens around you is out of your control that you can breathe and feel centered even in the whirl. Or at least that’s what I am aiming for.