Lately I have been worrying about time. You know that feeling or sense that you are constantly behind the eight ball and you can’t catch up? Maybe it’s connected to the fear of missing out on something and a worry and regret about past decisions. I know when I don’t feel good, this fear is far more heightened and can keep me up at night. Even when I feel good, though, I still sense time ticking away in the background like a dull pressure or gentle reminder that life is passing.
The way we talk about time, it almost sounds like it’s our enemy: something to either kill if there’s too much of it or something that is always catching us disorganised, unprepared and unready if there’s not enough. I’m rarely content about time and how it’s passed. Either I’m eager for it to go faster or wish it would slow down. I wish I could be more even-keeled and accept it where it is but right now that’s not me.
Time can feel like such a barrier or limit on our lives. It’s something we have no control over, but in many ways dictates what is possible. If you want something to happen and it’s just not time yet, what can you do? If you are going through a hard time and you want it to be over, you can’t control how long it will take you just have to keep going through it.
The cool thing about energy is that it feels outside of time and space. During the meditation session on Monday night, both myself and the other person with me had the sense of being energetically in another place. In that other space there was no time, there were no blockages, there were no barriers. It felt open, safe, pure and light. (It sounds trippy and to be honest it was). It felt so freeing to be there. To feel peace for a moment, to feel possibility and openness.
Some people say time is a construct and maybe it’s possible to experience that openness and that freedom all the time, not just in meditation or by escaping somewhere up there. That kind of feeling and peace seems to come from a deep acceptance. And accepting time feels like the ultimate indication that you can accept the world and your life. Accept everything that has happened before, accept the present, accept that we don’t know what will happen in the future. Accept that we aren’t in control of our life or the natural rhythm of it.
And all of this is definitely easier said than done. And for us imperfect humans it may not always be possible or probable that we will be so accepting. Personally and specifically, the panic around the ticking biological clock and what that means for having a baby does feel like an ongoing pressure and a fear that is hard to always be able to accept and to manage, despite how much I try. It’s not only about babies though, the panic around time could be about finding your purpose, partner or practically anything that you want in your life.
I think it’s ok to admit that the feeling of time running out is scary, even if it’s more an idea in our heads than a true part of reality. The thing that I do, which I wish I wouldn’t, is to start judging and being angry with myself for the past. I start wishing I had done some things differently or made different choices. But we can’t change our choices and rather than blaming ourselves, we have to learn to accept and love ourselves. And really honour that we truly did the very best we could, at the time.