Some weeks I know exactly what I want to write and I have all these ideas buzzing around in my head. Other weeks it’s like there’s tumbleweed aimlessly floating around up there. And that seems to be the case today. I try every week to write about something that is happening to me to help make the email feel more grounded but I feel a bit blank this week. Maybe it’s not actually blankness, maybe I’m just a bit scared of sharing this week. Yeah, maybe that’s it.
I have to be honest, on one level, it’s just kind of awful to think about the emails I’ve sent out. I imagine people reading them and I cringe. I have to try to block you all from my awareness when I’m writing them because if I worry too much about what you might think, I wouldn’t send them at all. When I feel particularly nervous, I take a lot of solace in the fact that you’re all busy people with lots of interesting things going on and probably don’t get to them or don’t focus on them too much.
I know writing definitely helps me work out where I am, what I think and the realisations I’ve made. And then I think maybe I should just be writing this in a journal. But for some reason I don’t think that would be the same. Ironically enough, I probably wouldn’t be so honest with myself. I don’t think what I have to say is gospel or that anyone should take my words as some fixed truth. I change my mind and how I feel about things a lot. Some days I feel light and I will have faith and feel connected and the writing comes from that. Other days I feel dark and have no faith and want to completely disconnect and I try to write from that place as well because it feels authentic for me.
So with all that in mind, and, even though I am physically wincing right now, one thing that happened this week was that I decided to try online bloody dating again. Oh god.
It’s probably been about 2 years since I last gave this a go. But after talking to a psychic friend this week, she said it would be a good time to get back on the old horse. There are so many things I dislike about dating apps and the whole idea of finding love through some electronic, computer programmed, algorithmic mumbo jumbo way. It feels like it flies in the face of trusting in the universe to bring “the one” right to my doorstep. But what if the universe could work its magical ways through a dating app? (Just because I judge the hell out of it, doesn’t mean the divine has the same prejudices.)
When we want things to come into our lives, the closer they are to our hearts, the more vulnerable they feel. There is a lot of fear around these heart-held desires. The fear of what if we can’t get what we want. And, maybe even deeper, the fear of what happens if we do. I think, maybe somewhat surprisingly, the latter is harder to acknowledge and really feel. Because to be honest, as much as I complain (all the time) about being single; I would be really scared to start a relationship. The idea of being with someone and being vulnerable with them and open and authentic and honest is actually really confronting. And even though I know a part of me would enjoy it, the idea of going on a date and putting myself “out there” again is terrifying. All my insecurities about the way I look, the way I talk, what I do, where I’m at in life, all come to the surface. And it’s pretty uncomfortable to sit in them.
So maybe it’s easier to sit back a bit. To tell myself dating apps are awful, a waste of time and to revel in my righteousness of not going there. I tell myself I am trusting and putting faith in a higher power, and taking a spiritual approach. But I don’t know if that is really true. Maybe it’s just easier and more comfortable; but not great at getting me to confront my fears or my insecurities and definitely not great at actually bringing what I want (love) to my life.
When we want things to come into our lives it’s easy to get fixated on how it should happen. We plan and control and scheme and decide, get disappointed when things don’t turn out that way and then plan and scheme and control all over again. Maybe all this controlling and calculating becomes a sort of defence- a protection. A way to say, well it’s all too hard or not possible, or will only work if all these conditions are met. A way to protect yourself from getting the things you really want. Because if you had what you wanted would you really care too much about how it came to you?
It seems kind of nonsensical that we would act in ways that hinder us from moving forward, from allowing everything that we want to come to us. But of course we would if we are scared. It seems like a natural thing to protect ourselves from what frightens us. I know I do it all the time. But maybe it’s about not avoiding the fear or letting the fear stop you but going into it and going through it. And rather than finding all the reasons to not do something, think about how you would feel if you just did.
So, I stopped writing and then spent the last hour or so with a very newborn baby and his besotted mama and am now re reading this again. That calm, peaceful baby energy is pretty intoxicating. And really allows you to see that everything is fundamentally, deeply ok. Before my friend had his daughter, she came to him in a dream and said it’s ok to be afraid. There’s so much wisdom and peace to be reminded of from these little people. And so much less worrying about what’s right, what’s wrong, what we should do, what other people might think; that we all need to do. I’m going to leave it at that. Thank you for reading, even though it’s scary for me; I really appreciate you being there.