Not so easy going
After trying online dating for the past 3 or so weeks I have been a bit disturbed to find that it is really common for men in their descriptions to write they are looking for women who are easy going or laid back. I gotta say, it’s been rankling me. Is being easy going really such a great thing? When I was with my old boyfriend (old as in former not as in age) he hated the fact that I was ok with everything. He hated when I held back opinions and preferences because he never knew what I wanted. It made it really confusing for him, and meant he had to try and decipher what I wanted all the time without never really being sure.
I thought it was one of those so-called “bad traits” to be a fussy person but it’s actually quite fun, liberating and a real time saver. It’s only been in the last few years that I have really allowed myself to be particular and fussy and learned to personally be ok with that. And over this time, I have become aware, I am pretty picky. I am SO fussy about movies. (Never see a movie with me). I cannot stand watching a bad movie. It drives me crazy. I would rather go to sleep, read a book, stare at a wall; anything rather than watching some crap on a screen. I get furious when food at a restaurant is bad, or slow. I like to sit facing the kitchen, so I can see when it’s coming. If it’s bad and expensive, then it offends me on a very deep personal level. Maybe these are signs of a bigger or more profound psychological problem going on but right here and right now, I’m going to just go with, I’m a fussy person.
When you identify as a so-called “easy going” person, you sort of start telling yourself that you don’t have a preference, that you are ok with everything. But believe me, you do have a preference, you do have things you want and need. Maybe it’s just hard to hear or acknowledge what they are if you are drowning it out with that easy going dribble. It’s also ok to want something in particular, even if it’s not necessarily the easiest, cheapest, most convenient thing. Even if you can’t have it, it’s still ok to want it, right?
I think if we aren’t easy going we’re worried we might be labelled a pain in the arse or maybe even worse, high maintenance. But are we really going to spend our lives in fear of that? I mean does it even really matter? Who cares if you’re a pain in the arse, everyone is in their own unique delightful way, and it’s ok. If you can’t acknowledge how you’re a pain in the arse then it will sit there in your shadow and will manifest itself until you own it. Probably everyone around you will be incredibly demanding and it will make you furious; or the things you want will be particularly inconvenient or hard to get, forcing you to acknowledge that you do want things.
I’ve been thinking about how we treat ourselves and the mindset that goes along with it. It’s actually a sort of mind blowing thing to recognise how much you give to others (love, support, kindness) and how much you deny yourself. When you eat, do you think of giving yourself a delicious meal or is your intention to deny yourself of all the “bad” foods that you shouldn’t have? Do you give yourself time or are you angry with yourself when you’re tired and resentfully, hatefully rest? When you exercise do you have an intention of loving yourself, and wanting to feel good and strong in your body; or are you punishing yourself, forcing yourself to do it because you feel like you should? I always thought it was right to give less to myself and more to others; whoever they are, whatever they needed. And wow that can create such a fertile condition for resentment, blame and anger to grow in.
Sometimes it seems like it’s wrong to want for things. Rather we should be grateful for what we already have and let go of our needs or desires. But I don’t think that’s particularly human (or interesting). When customers come into the café and order particular things that they are having a craving for and are so excited to get exactly what they want, there is so much joy in that. I remember being on a holiday with my parents in Italy and driving for two hours one night just so we could get some Indian food. It’s the story that we remember, it was by all practicalities a pain in the arse but it was delicious and exactly hit the spot and incredibly joyful.
We can’t be convenient all the time. We can’t always put other people ahead of us. We can be particular. Our tastes, desires, wants and peculiarities aren’t bad, or wrong or inconveniences to be avoided, denied or ignored. They are keys to finding out about ourselves, nurturing ourselves. And acknowledging what it is we want and giving it to ourselves because we deserve it and are worthy is a real, grounded and beautiful way we can truly love ourselves.