I want to describe how I feel so I am clear and can bring some acceptance to it. But it’s actually hard to describe. I feel lonely, sad, at a loss, unhopeful. At first it felt like turmoil; I felt frustrated and angry and defensive. But since that has passed I feel calmer, more resigned and a bit softer with it. Not to sound melodramatic, but I feel melancholic. I feel distant from what I can see happening around me; likethere this small amount of space separating me from reality leaving me somehow just so slightly outside it.
I also feel panic. Panic that there is something really wrong with me – that I can’t seem to move on from this very familiar feeling and place I keep finding my way back to; panic that I am doing all the wrong things, in all the wrong places; panic that the people around are going to get sick of me or judge me or think it’s a weakness or that I’m a disappointment or a fraud.
I also paradoxically feel completely ok. I can laugh and smile and see how everything is ok, going to be ok and then that gets confusing. Trying to understand both feelings and not getting too much in my head – wondering if I’m just pretending or making the sad feeling up or making a bigger deal of it than I should or even worse being overly self indulgent.
It was only a few years ago that I started understanding concepts about darkness and light. I could see that we want to step away from the darkness and move towards what’s light. For a while it seemed very black and white – light right, dark wrong. But now after feeling pretty dark, I am trying not to be so cut and dry about it. Because if the dark stuff is necessarily bad then how can we feel anything but hatred to that part of ourselves feeling devoid and separate from the light?
It’s so hard to just sit in the feeling and not judge it. To not think that we are failing or wrong or our choices are wrong or there is something inherently wrong with us. To not put pressure on getting through it or over it or feeling better. But to be patient with it and willing to give it some space. Does understanding help the feeling go away? At this point I don’t know. Is there any “reward” for feeling your feelings? I used to think that if we really go into our feelings, go deep and express them then we will shift energy and good stuff will come. It seems so simplistic to think like that. And also seems to miss the point. We go into our feelings to know ourselves, to acknowledge ourselves and to be there for ourselves in a real way. And it seems bigger than us because the more we can accept all the feelings in ourselves, we can accept them in others and be there for them too.
I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really want to send this out. I know I don’t have to. But if I didn’t, I think I would be disappointed in myself. I’ve really wanted to write these things, to be as honest as I can. But I also don’t want my mum – or anyone else – to worry. Maybe it’s partly a pride thing. It’s hard to share openly without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. And so I want to protect myself from being too vulnerable. I also think, even though the feelings don’t feel light or easy, they aren’t necessarily bad or worth too much worry. I don’t mean to belittle them, but in some ways they are just how I’m feeling right now. Despite feeling dark, I do have faith that they will pass, they are meant to be felt and that on some fundamental level I am ok.
Sending love and this sweet track xx