It is easier for me to write this when I have something that I am frustrated about or when I am angry or when I feel low or despairing. I like to go deep into those heavier feelings and take them apart to understand them and really intensely feel them and even at some point, far down the track after a lot of frowning and crying and consternating and yelling; eventually laugh at them, knowing I have overcome them; and then onto the next. But strangely, out of nowhere, a bit uncomfortably; in this moment, right now, I feel peaceful.
I think I may have an attachment to feeling shit. Lately it’s been much easier for me to define myself as a sad person than as a happy content one. It’s much harder to own and express what I am pleased about rather than all the things I enjoy complaining about. Being happy or positive hasn’t felt as real or grounded or even as interesting as being dark and depressed.
So I’m sitting here, scratching my head, thinking there really must be something I can complain about – I mean it is getting colder in the northern hemisphere and nothing has substantially or significantly changed in my life, I didn’t win the lottery or anything; but for some reason, even the thought of the turn of the weather, which would usually be enough to sink me, doesn’t get me down.
For a long time I thought that by feeling sad, angry or whatever would lead to happiness. And then when that didn’t immediately come, I started to believe that maybe I am not really a happy person after all. That I am solemn and serious, sad and depressed; and joy and lightness just really isn’t me. And I owned and accepted my grump. (Anyone who has been reading these will know that) and I complained, and I was angry and I cried and I was sad and it all felt true and honest and sincere and authentically me.
If I have learned anything from this journey into self, it is that limits around who we are at some point start to feel pointless. I think they can be comforting for a while, as we try on different personas or explore different parts of ourselves and uncover more and more aspects of ourselves; but they necessarily also need to be let go of. We need to constantly allow ourselves to change and open up and be redefined, not by anyone else but importantly, by ourselves.
I can’t actually think of anything more beautiful than when we realise we can let go of trying to be anything other than ourselves. Do you know what I mean? That feeling of space, openness and freedom when you understand the attachments are no longer right, that we can actually be more, be bigger, be lighter. That seems to bring us closer to ourselves. We realise our uniqueness and specialness is inherent, not how we present, not in what we do, not how we feel. For me, there is a huge peace in that. It seems to allow for a greater connection with the people around us too because they can change and morph and we realise they are just the same as us - bright lights, discovering, uncovering and loving who they are.
So, as if I was in an AA meeting, I think I need to own that right now, where I sit, I, Heidi Joy Anna Baker, feel happy. That life seems like a bright place to be, that the future looks good. And if you don’t feel the same right now where you sit, that it is ok, just as true, valid, real and important. The feeling that you feel isn’t who you are and even though it can feel like it, is not all there is.