Love over fear, really
The last few weeks I have found that I haven’t been able to write. I have tried sitting at my computer and not too much will come out. I’m trying now but I’m not really sure I’ll send this out. I have lost some confidence with it. It’s hard to understand why am I even sharing these? What does it really add or accomplish? I’m scared it’s more out of habit than anything else. I don’t feel clear or certain or like I have a very valuable perspective to share.
I feel quite scared at the moment. I have stopped sleeping properly. Rather than sleep, I stress; waking up in the early hours and mulling over the most ridiculous things. I think the fear may be stopping me from being able to share this easily. Fear can really rock your confidence. Over the last week I copied and pasted all of the old weekly emails into a new website format and it’s been confronting to look over what I had written before and uncomfortable to read how sure I was about different things. I wanted to read them and feel proud but mainly I’ve been cringing, a lot.
I can’t pretend to know anything right now or to have any answers, which amongst other things is a humbling place to be. I think there are times in life when we do feel really clear and certain and confident in our selves and our beliefs and we truly love ourselves. And it’s easy to be us and share ourselves and argue for our beliefs and express them to our heart’s content. And then there are other times we aren’t clear. When we can feel a bit disconnected from ourselves, from others, where we are going and our ideas about what life is all about.
It’s hard not to feel embarrassed and to feel naïve when fear grips you. It comes like a voice in my head, telling me I should have known better, that having faith or believing everything would be ok, was naïve and unrealistic; that I really should grow up, be rational and sensible. It’s hard to believe in anything when fear is so predominant and it’s definitely hard to write like I do.
Somewhat surprisingly to me, what has been helping me the most this last week is meditation. I know it’s corny and ironic and a little convenient to say, but honestly it has. Every day for at least twenty minutes I have made time to sit and calm my mind and connect with light, God, divine and loving energy. Although I’d love to say I do this all the time, I really don’t have a consistent meditation practice. But this week I decided to commit to it. And even though it’s a relatively short period of time and the fearful thoughts have come back a little while after it, it’s been more helpful, more comforting and brought more peace than anything else.
Isn’t it sort of cliché by now to say choose love over fear? We’ve all heard it and no doubt nod along thinking how nice that sounds but in our heads think, yeah right. What does it even mean anyway, choose love over fear? It’s so hard to feel love towards anyone, anything and especially yourself when fear feels so strong. Our egos take over and tell us we aren’t worthy of our love and it’s stupid to believe we are and feels like it’s impossible to choose anything but fear. But I think this week I showed myself something different. Maybe the idea that it’s impossible isn’t true. Maybe it’s actually quite possible to find yourself to love yourself, to connect with light, loving energy even when you’re scared. And maybe it doesn’t mean the fear goes away but that you can still feel, choose, believe any be comforted by love even when you feel scared.
Meditation might not be right for you. We all have different ways of finding comfort in times of stress. I found listening to music while meditating a helpful way to tune in and calm down. I’m sharing what I listen to sometimes (only about 5 minutes long) and what I end yoga classes with a lot of times.